Unedited 11/13/24
Trigger Warning SA/Being Stealthed.
The definition of stealthed: Stealthing" is a slang term for when someone removes a condom without their partner's consent during sex. It's a form of sexual assault and is illegal in many places. Survivors of stealthing may have difficulty recognizing their experience as sexual assault.
I am Zakia Wells of Zakia Wells Art & Spirit. I am an artist, a poet, a independent spiritulist and a woman of color. I am a survivor; not a victim. I do not give that man that much power over my body. I am many things and one thing I have been called time and time again is: Resilient.
The strong friend.
The therapist friend.
The blunt friend.
I use to hate being called this and I use to hate how quickly I could bounce back from grief, assault, pain and overall just the experience of being a "black" woman in America. I write this at the laundry mat where my cat decided I needed to completely cleanse my sheets. I was celebrated on thursday for auctioning a painting worth $1200.
I decided I wanted to party on friday night. I trusted myself; I trusted my goddess self. I knew from past experiences people who have harmed me didn't live the best life afterwards. I trusted a colleage to lead me through the night and in turn: they took off the condom while I was intoxicated.
My fear response to assault is to fawn or freeze. My body fawned and I didn't really come to terms with what happened until Monday. I even had a phone call with the man after the fact; another fear response rooted in keeping my safety.
So, lets summarize:
I had an amazing win on a thursday.
I decided I wanted to celebrate myself and have fun on a friday.
I was stealthed that night friday or technically on saturday.
I woke up to go to church on sunday.
I am righting this on wednesday night instead of eating my emotions or smoking my heart away.
Between friday and sunday I was stuck in a sleep paralysis dream. I could barely escape. I was trapped in my mind briefly and I struggled to speak in the dream. Symbolism of how I have suppressed my voice in my community that is littered with people who have assaulted black women. I escaped the dream by screaming " I have my Gods. I have God. I am a Goddess." I legit; was terrified but I know how how to speak in dream. Something not everyone can do due to how your astral body is usually more powerful than your human self.
So. How do I continue on?
I write this post. I tell you a snippet of my story because our stories and how we cope matter especially in this time where being a woman is about to be even more dangerous considering many people are legit telling women: your body, my choice. Which is absolutely dehumanizing and disgusting considering almost everyone is born from a uterus.
If you are currently recovering from assault I want you to know this:
Them violating you is not your pain to carry. Your job is to speak as much as you can to those who love you or your journal, or even social media to find people who can hold you close.
Them violating your temple, your body is not a reflection of who you are.
You are more than enough and you can get through it with help.
If you cannot afford a therapist: my email is open to you within my own capacity.
If you have no friends: My email is open to you and I will be your internet pen pal.
Look into community circles: google is your friend. Legit: type in SA survivor spaces and you may find plenty.
Look into channeling your pain into art. Paint. Scream. Cry. Clay works wonders for anger.
Here is a playlist I made so you can cry and find yourself again. I've been SA over 4+ times in my life. I am only 27 years old. I know I am not you 100% but I am you. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/634NRS2EaGuf779Yhd427p?si=HK3z92VvTH-Tmx1a8aMxFw&pi=NT86qaPsRsSxJ
Also know if your assaulter is someone you have to work with: know they know full well what they did. If you don't have the energy to report like I do: know that their life behind closed doors will be your justice. I promise you this.
I currently; have cried maybe 3 times tonight. I have to be a human still despite everything and I hope my words save someone from leaping into the deep end.
Know that those of us who have been harmed; we live in plain sight and we are here to help you.
I love you.
Even if the people who hurt you make you think you are not lovable.
I do not know how I will face the person who stealthed me considering they are a artist too.
I just know that my spirit team: never fails me when I cry and I transmute.
I'm a woman who has generations of trauma in her blood: I'm built to last and keep going despite the pain inflicted.
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